This time I'll mind myself

These days I'm tired. Because of my work, my mind, my life.
I don't know why this situation is repeating again. I just thought, I overcame it. Myself at the moment is a thing I really can accept.
Lately I remember the past often. However it isn't a good feeling. My memories just open dark, hidden doors which I closed and locked. They cage my thoughts and it's like I do a time travel.

The most people don't know about my past ego. Kind-hearted some say, naive some say, sincere some say, polite some say, happy some say. Well, I can't say what apply. Maybe everything but at least not the point about my happiness.
My personality let other persons hurt me easily and fast. Then I met someone who gave me the opportunity for freedom. And everything you see now is the result of his influence. A nice story, huh? It's like a fairytale. The ending is a happy one with cruel elements. So this naive kid took her changes and let her memories fade.

When I close my eyes these days past feelings flow through my soul. My inner strenght worned out. Is my source ran dry?
It's fucking me up.
Even my mind is getting on my nerves. Everything disturbs me somehow. I settled my past, didn't I? This damn weak freak who always followed her sadness and just dreamed of independence appeared. What happend? A lot of things I experienced since him. Nothing shattered me: neither the first fight of my most beautiful friendship, the end of my first relationship, the blow of my first failure nor the disappointment about the detour of my dream.

So why now? It feels like my mind splitted. I need a solution. I need salvation.



I closed my past with a collection of short stories, of farewell letters. Have a taste here:

... Du wusstest oftmals, wie ich mich fühlte. Ahntest, wie verwirrt und zerissen ich war. Was hast Du mit diesem Wissen gemacht? Mich ausgelacht. Ausgelacht und getröstet, hast Du mich. Dein Wesen ließ mich meine Pein vergessen. Es war nur der Schmerz eines dummen Kindes, den Du gelindert hast aber für dieses Kind warst Du eine Zeit alles. Du gabst mir alles mit auf dem Weg, was ich heute bin oder brauchte um so zu sein wie jetzt. ...

... Du hast meinen Kopf immer nach vorn gehalten mit Deinen Händen. Blicke nach vorne. Vergangenheit behält man in seinen Gedanken aber nimmt sie nicht mit. Sie belastet momentanen Geschehnisse zu sehr. Mir gefiel, was Du dazu sagtest. Es klang schön und so nahm ich es an. Was es aber für uns heißen sollte, konnte ich nicht abschätzen. ...

I need some rest.